A few jokes for you.......

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dwarfy

dwarfy

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Husband finishes reading the book 'Be the Man of Your House' and says to the wife "From now on my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight with a sumptuous dessert. Afterwards you will have the kind of sex that I want and you will bathe me as I relax, towel dry me then massage my feet and back. Then tomorrow morning, guess who will dress me and comb my hair?" Wife looks at him sternly and says "The fuckin funeral director would be my first guess"
 
Bloke in a nightclub sees a big fat bird at the bar. He walks up to her and asks "Have you got a pen?" "Yes" she replies "do you want to take my number?" "No" says the bloke "I think you should f off back to it before the farmer notices you are missing" :lol::lol::lol::lol:
 
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I called home at lunch time to see my wife at the sink washing the dishes, I snook up behind her and slid my hands into her knickers, she said "do you want your palm read?" I said "why, are you a clarevoyant now?" She said "no, I've just come on!"
 
Woman says to her husband "You only ever want sex when you are drunk" Bloke replies "Thats not exactly true. Sometimes I want a kebab....."
 
I went to the doctor last week, Doc every time I sneeze I get an erection, the doctor said are you taking anything for it? I said "yes, pepper"
 
I went to our firms Christmas party the other week. They played the twist so I twisted. They played jump, so I jumped, then they played come on Eileen and I was asked to leave shortly after that :lol::lol:
 
I went to the doctor and told him I was a cleptomaniac, is there anything he could do. Here's a prescription for some tablets and my phone number. Whats the phone number for? if the pills don't work can you get me a 50" plasma tv?
 
Whats the difference between iron man and iron woman?
Iron man is a super hero...........iron woman is a simple instruction :lol::lol:
 
dwarfy said:
Husband finishes reading the book 'Be the Man of Your House' and says to the wife "From now on my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight with a sumptuous dessert. Afterwards you will have the kind of sex that I want and you will bathe me as I relax, towel dry me then massage my feet and back. Then tomorrow morning, guess who will dress me and comb my hair?" Wife looks at him sternly and says "The fuckin funeral director would be my first guess"
Click to expand...

lol at this good 1
 
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
 
This is a true story... I used to run a tire store for a few years.. That's why there are tires in the pics of my truck...

Anyway..

I am kind of an poophole in general and I am not afraid to show it. I had a priest come in for a set of tires on his "Pope-Mobile"

After the job was done I handed him his keys and he asked, "Are the lugnuts tight?" I snickered and responded with, "Tight as a nuns c*nt" He looked at me with a puzzled look upon his face, I thought for sure I was about to be officially damned, but he responded, "Well then you better tighten them again Son."

I was floored!
 
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