Festive Jokes Anyone??

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dwarfy

dwarfy

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A curious teenage girl asks her mother, "Mum, how many kind of penis's are there?"

The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?" the daughter questions

Mother replies "Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only" :lol::lol:
 
A couple were Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the shopping centre was absolutely ram packed.

Walking through the arcade the wife look up and noticed her husband had disappeared, no where to be seen, and she was very upset because they had so much to do.

She call her husband on the mobile to find out where he had got to. The husband said in a calm voice "Honey, do you remember the jewellery store we visited 5 years ago and you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we simply couldn't afford at the time and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
"Yes dear" said his wife overcome with emotion at his thoughtfulness, "I remember that jewellery store very well"

"Well" he said "I'm in the bar next to it" :lol::lol:
 
Santa's Bad Day
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.


When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

J
 
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy".
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
The third man answered "They're Carol's."


J
 
To boost Christmas sales, Ann Summers have brought out a new alcoholic vaginal gel so that the bloke can have a bevvy while he is munching the bearded clam. Unfortunately anti drink campaigners want it banned amid fears it will encourage 24hr minge drinking :lol::lol:
 
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynaecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"


Merry Christmas...(thats the festive bit)

J:lol::lol::lol:
 
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