Marriage

[voo2doo]

A married couple staying in a hotel but only have single beds,Husband says"My Little Honey Bunch,I'm lonely wonely"
She makes her way to his bed but trips over a suitcase,
He says"Oh did my little honey bunny fall on her nosey wosey?Let me kissey wissie it all betterie wetterie"
She gets up and climbs into bed with him and they make passionate love.On her way back to her bed she falls over the suitcase again.
Her husband says"Clumsy fat cu*t"


---------------------------------------J-----------------------------------

 

[voo2doo]

during Foreplay With The Wife I Said To Her "give Us A Chilean Miner"
she Says "whats One Of Them Then"
i Replied "get Down Me Shaft And don't Come Up Till Christmas"

 

[voo2doo]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady: “Do you have a vagina?”
She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman: “Do you have a vagina?”
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.”
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice. “Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer “yes” to the question because I want to see where he is going with it.”
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
“Do you have vagina?”
“Yes” she says.
The man replies, “Good. Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?”
__________________
J

 

[voo2doo]

Truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he says. "I'm trying to commit a suicide," she says.
"Well, before you jump how bout giving me a blowjob?" So, she does. After she's finished,
the trucker says, "Wow! That's a wasted talent. Why are you committing suicide?".
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."
__________________
J.

 

[dwarfy]

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks.

"Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, "fiddlesticking hell, are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me, and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher!"

 

[dwarfy]

Paddy goes into the bedroom on his wedding night and his new wife is already there, legs spread wide open ready for a night of passion and she says in a husky voice "Paddy my love, do you know what I want tonight?"

Paddy replies "Aye, all the fuckin bed by the looks of it"

 

[dwarfy]

A guy goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with my sex life." The doctor asks, "Can you describe the problem?"

"Well... I wake up in the morning and shag my wife, then I have a shower and a shave and I shag her again. I have my breakfast and shag her again on the table, then I get a blow job from her before I leave for work."

"Ok......" the doctor replies.

"I haven't finished yet. I get to work and shag my secretary in my coffee break. At lunch-time I go to see my mistress and shag her a couple of times. I get back to work and shag my secretary again in the afternoon tea-break."

"Right......."

"Excuse me, I still haven't finished. After work, I see my mistress again on the way home and shag her. Then I get home and shag the wife. I have my dinner and shag her again, then we go to bed and shag a couple of times before going to sleep."

"Well, I don't see what the problem is......."

The guy says, "It hurts when I wank."

 

[voo2doo]

Class Andy,class.
J.

 

[Marine Iguana]

:lol::lol::lol:

 

[dwarfy]

Class Andy,class.
J.

I was thinking the same about yours bud :lol::lol:

 

[sperera]

LOL i love the first one

 

[BiggaJ]

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Priest."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad.
The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.

The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the priest.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it" said the young man.
"When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the Supermarket anymore either..." :lol:

 

[BiggaJ]

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

 

[BiggaJ]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!'

....and she's always sound asleep.

 

[BiggaJ]

Mother-in-law......

I knew it was the mother-in-law at the front door as the mice were throwing themsleves on the traps!!

We went on a pleasure trip today......... we took the mother-in-law to the airport!

What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your new mother-in law backing off a cliff in your new Mercedes.

I'm not saying the mother-in-law's ugly, but she uses her bottom lip as a shower cap.

The clock fell off the wall. If it was a minute sooner, it would have hit my mother-in-law. That clock was always slow!

My mother-in-law is banned internationally from playing poker, as she keeps all the chips on her shoulder!

Q: What do you do if you miss your mother-in-law??

A: RELOAD, AND TRY AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!

A guy brings his dog into the vet and says, "Could you please cut my dog's tail off?" The vet examines the tail and says, "There is nothing wrong. Why would you want this done?" The man replies, "My MIL is coming to visit, and I don't want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome!"