Well I thought they were funny!

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voo2doo

voo2doo

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The Grim Reaper came for me last night but I beat him off with the vacuum cleaner....
Talk about Dyson with death.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?...
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed....
At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said "I would like to come back as a cow".
I said "you’re obviously not listening."

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.
It's called a wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you.She said "is that you or the beer talking?".....
I replied "it's me talking to the beer."


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Sending this to you from A & E- turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.
__________________J__________________________________________
 
So I was shagging some bird over the kitchen table when we hear someone trying the front door.
"Quick, it's my husband, try the back door" she said.
Looking back I probably should have legged it but you don't get invitations like that every day!

J
 
One for JACKOBYTE.................
At the National Art Gallery in Cardiff , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but The one in the middle had a pink one.

The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately White, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink Willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary Society."

After the curator left, a Welshman, approached the couple and said, "Would You like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the boyo who painted it!" he replied. "In fact, there are no Black men depicted at all. They're just three Welsh miners. Him in the middle went home for lunch."
__________________J______________________________
 
Paddy takes his goldfish to the vets "be jasus its got epilespy". "It looks calm enough to me" says the vet. "ahhhh" says Paddy "I haven't taken it out of the feckin bowl for you to examine it yet"
 
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off. I said "Son, maybe teaching isnt for you after all" :lol::lol:
 
Durex Have created new glow in the dark condoms...

There new slogan for them it going to be "Now you see it, Now you don't, Now you see it, Now you don't" :lol::lol:
 
Needed a good laugh - cheers lads!!

We're having a 'little birthday bash' for my lad's 5th birthday and the wife's invited 'a few friends'.
Bearing in mind we're in a small 'modern' (aka SMALL) semi-detached, there's a friend stopping overnight - with husband and THREE children .... !!!
I've continued smiling and will definitely 'disappear' around 14:00 - qualifying and a colleague now lives 5 minutes' walk away!

Al.
 
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